Stephen Wright--Dry Humor

W

weekend_warrior

New member
For those not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen. . . and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently from the way we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are more of his gems:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future - laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film!


Bake
 
Here's some more from Steven Wright

1. I lost a buttonhole.
2. Do you have to use a silencer to shoot a mime?
3. I was hitch-hiking once, and a hearse stopped, and I said, "No Thanks. I'm not going that far."
4. I can levitate birds, but no one cares.
5. Sometimes, I like to fill the tub up with water, turn the shower on, and act like I'm in submarine that just got hit.
6. I have a microwave fireplace, I can lay in front of the fire for a whole night. . . in seven minutes.

Bake
 
Those are great one liners. My wife told me she went to school with him.

I got a DRY one for ya.

A priest brakes down in his car. He calls up a service station and they tow the car back. He ask the mechanic "how long do you think it will take"
The mechanic says "It should take a couple of hours"
So the priest goes off to do some errand and comes back. He see's a pare of legs under the car and thinks two himself "It's not done yet" so he leaves again and come back an hour later and there's still a pare of legs under the car.
So he goes over to the car and say "Hay! HAY!

No answer.

He bends down and shake the shoes and finds out it's a pare of wooden legs.

The priest say's "just as I thought!" /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif


Is that dry enought for ya cause I got another one! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused1.gif



An american goes into an english pub and orders a beer Everybody in the pub were roll'n in stiches laughing.
He gets his beer and sits at a table with an englishman and sipping on it.

After the laughing stops a englishman stands up and yells out "72!"
The whole pub cracks up laugh'n with tears roll'n down there faces. It findally settles down again.

Another englishman stands up and yell out "88!"
Half of everybody their past beer thru there nose laughing so hard.

The american was laughing cause they were laughing. He say's to himself "I can do this"

He stands up and yells out "68!"

Total silence..................................... /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

He sits down scratching his head.
The englishman sitting with him leans over and puts his hand on the american guy arm and say's

"It's not the joke, It's how you tell it." /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

Those are the only English jokes I know. Thang God!
Dry /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif
 
More Steven Wright

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.

I was born by Caesarian Section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(Referring to a glass of water) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, "Aaaaahhhh....."

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter, but no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
 
Another Stephen Wright joke..
Grasshopper walks into a bar..bartender says "Hey we got a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "you've got a drink named Steve."
 
Steven Wright used to be on Letetrman every-so-often, but I haven't seen him around for a long time. I think he's funny as heck....
 


Write your reply...
Back
Top