An old hunter and trapper was sitting on a log out in the woods,when the Devil appeared and came right up to the man.In a booming voice the Devil says"I am Satan,I am Evil,I am the master of the fiery underworld!!!"The old man just sat there and shrugged his shoulders.The Devil booms,"DO YOU NOT FEAR ME!"The old man says"Well,I've been married to your sister for 43 years,why should I be?"
dorky joke thread
- Thread starter sweatybetty
- Start date
wolffromwv
New member
One rainy, windy night, not unlike tonight, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetary.
As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.
He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.
The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, and the coffin stopped.
As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.
He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP.
The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - BUMP, BUMP, BUMP! Ahead of him, there was a branch that had fallen from a tree. He reached down and grabbed it as he ran by. Still running, he turned and threw it over his shoulder at the coffin - but it just splintered when it hit the coffin and the coffin continued coming faster - BUMPITY, BUMPITY, BUMPITY!
The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. His splitting axe was resting against his woodpile so he snagged it, turned, and gave a mighty two-handed throw sending it end over end right at the coffin. SMASH! - the axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood of the coffin and it continued after him.
The man dashed in his house, but the coffin crashed through the front door. The man ran upstairs and grabbed his shotgun off the wall display. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shot bounced harmlessly off the coffin as it continued up the stairs - BUMP, CLOMP, BUMP, CLOMP!
The man, desperate and scared to death, jumped into the bathroom and locked the door - knowing it would do no good. The coffin Banged against the door, once ..., twice ..., and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came forward.
In desperation the man reached out his hand and grabbed whatever he could. All that was there was a bottle of cough syrup so he threw it at the coffin.
The bottle shattered, and the coffin stopped.
As the casket was carried from the funeral home,a sobbing Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes and went through all the emotions of losing her husband.One of the poll bearers took a step too far to the right and the casket bumped into a pillar.A very distinct moan came from inside the coffin!Low and behold,Mr Smith was indeed alive and well!It was a miracle!Well,Mr.Smith lived for another ten years and finally passed on.As the funeral seen played out just the same as ten years ago, a sobbing Mrs.Smith looked up and yells"LOOK OUT FOR THAT PILLAR!"
Running Doe A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam.
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
" Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is Amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe Replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred "
After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
" Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is Amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.
She said, "OK."
"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe Replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred "
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
wolffromwv
New member
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
A. Because they always fold.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?
A. A topo-illogical map.
Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.
A burglar went into the bank and pointed a gun at the teller and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"
The teller laughed nervously, "You mean history, right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
A. Because they always fold.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?
A. A topo-illogical map.
Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.
A burglar went into the bank and pointed a gun at the teller and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"
The teller laughed nervously, "You mean history, right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
blueline1911
New member
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."
A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a young naked woman on his back.
"So what the [beeep] are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "What's that girl on your back?"
"That's Michelle!" the man replied.
"So what the [beeep] are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.
"I'm a snail." The man replied.
"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "What's that girl on your back?"
"That's Michelle!" the man replied.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to horse flesh.
And, before very long, there were many others and They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, (or as it came to be known "eBay" ) he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price.
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to horse flesh.
And, before very long, there were many others and They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, (or as it came to be known "eBay" ) he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.
It wasn't Al Gore after all.
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university, he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed, and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years. The last paper that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the past, this had always had been effective in relieving tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And, he received a new major grant to study this new species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
When I lived in Belgium, there was a special fruit similar to a honeydew that grew in the Ardennes. They trained dogs to sniff the forest floor to find it.
The uncle of the family was training a Lassie pup for the job.
I'll never forget how he would call her back from the woods, loosely translated from the Flemish:
"Come to me, my melon collie baby."
The uncle of the family was training a Lassie pup for the job.
I'll never forget how he would call her back from the woods, loosely translated from the Flemish:
"Come to me, my melon collie baby."
A GOOD PUN HAS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
An asylum for the mentally retarded got a new director and when he took a tour of the place he noticed that the inmates were just sitting around doing nothing. He remarked to the staff that they needed to be more active and suggested that they form a choir so the inmates could express themselves and become more interested in life. As a reward for their participation after each practice the inmates could choose a treat. They could have either an apple or a can of Tab.
The choir actually sounded very good so they decided to take them to local schools, churches and sporting events for them to perform. Their fame spread and they were doing concerts to supplement funding for the asylum to make the place nicer for the inmates.
Well, one evening after the concert a talent scout approached the director and said he'd like to get them on television and maybe record them but first the choir would have to have an official name. The director said that they already had a name. It was called The Moron Tab Or Apple Choir.
The choir actually sounded very good so they decided to take them to local schools, churches and sporting events for them to perform. Their fame spread and they were doing concerts to supplement funding for the asylum to make the place nicer for the inmates.
Well, one evening after the concert a talent scout approached the director and said he'd like to get them on television and maybe record them but first the choir would have to have an official name. The director said that they already had a name. It was called The Moron Tab Or Apple Choir.
