dorky joke thread

did you hear about the guy who told his psychiatrist that some nights he dreamed he was a wig-wam and some nights he dreamed he was a tee-pee?

The doctor told him "You're too tense!"
 
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
 
A man decided that he wanted to live the life of a monk.He went to a monastary and told the council he wished to join.They huddled together briefly,then told the man that he must endure an initiation 1st.He must not speak for one year.He agreed and stayed for a year without speaking so much as a word.The council aproached the man and said how pleased they were with him.His reward was to say two words.The man thought,then said"new bed".The Master said that he was not aware that there was a problem with his bed,but a more comfortable one would be found.After another long year of silence,the council aproached the man and said how pleased they were with him.As a reward he was allowed two more words.The man thought then said"warm food".The Master said he was not aware of the cold food,but would try to correct this.He must endure another year of silence.When the year finally passed the council approached the man and rewarded him with two more words.Without hesitating,the man said"I quit!".The Master says,I think that would be best as all you have done since you came here is complain.
 
What did the cowboy say when he saw his horse walking down the street? "Hey that's my horse!"

What did the cowboy say when he saw his horse walking down the street with sunglasses on? Nothing. . .he didn't recognize him
 
What is this?

Clip, clop, clip, clop, click, clop...BANG, BANG, BANG...clipclopclickclopclickclop.......








An Amish drive by shooting.
 
OK, my turn.

Three men are in a heated argument. Their tempers are flairing and threats are being made.

However, Joe has no arms.

And Bob has no legs.

And Mike is blind.

Finally, Joe is so outraged that he finally snarls at Bob "You better BACK OFF right now or I am going to slap the s#it out of you!!!"

Bob, not to back down, snarls back with "Oh yeah? Well you just try it and I will kick your big fat a$$!!!"

Mike folded his arms over his chest and said simply "Wow. Now this I gotta see!
 
A jewish family, by the name of Trid, lived on the south side of a river and had to cross a bridge every day to get to the town to do business. One day a troll moved in under the bridge and every time a Trid attempted to cross the bridge the troll would kick them back to their side of the bridge. One day their Rabbi came to visit and the Trids watched in amazement as the Rabbi crossed without being kicked by the Troll. The Trids explained their predicament with the Rabbi who in turn approached the troll and asked why he could cross the bridge without being kicked. The troll responded, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!!!"
 
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whats so bad about that joke? /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused1.gif
 
A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family, that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Im sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."

A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."

When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton.
 
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
 
There were once two bakers shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine, which could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No-one went to the other baker's shop any more, and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
 
After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway, the researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god.

It was a wondrous piece of artwork - He had bulging muscles, and imposing stance, and of course his famous giant hammer.

But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red colour.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed against the discovery, and pretty soon the argument was intensifying to the point where the rest of the team, despite being exhausted after the day's work, started to gather round to watch.

The two of them continued squabbling for some time, and they provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening, and by the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.

As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said:

"Well, that was a fight for Thor eyes."
 
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